Warning...

Consider this a warning for those of you out there desiring whiter teeth:

I recently visited my dentist and was offered a great deal on the Zoom! Whitening System. Sure, I’d like whiter teeth…how could I pass it up? I really didn’t pay much attention to the warnings in small print on the information pamphlet regarding increased sensitivity and tingling sensations. “Hmphhhh,” I thought to myself, "No worries…I’m pretty tough. I sailed through childbirth to twins with a malfunctioning epidural. I’ve walked a 60-mile breast cancer walk with my femur rubbing against my tibia…3 times. For God’s sake, don’t waste my time with warnings from a tooth-whitener brochure.”

So, I finished the 2 hour procedure without any problems. By the time I got home, I had a couple “zings” through my teeth. They were here and gone in a second…no big deal. While I was Googling “Zoom!”, I came across a blog with postings from many people complaining about the horrendous pain and misery they had suffered as a result of this process. All their episodes appeared to be pretty short-lived, but nonetheless, many people were seriously questioning if the results were really worth the agony. At this point, I was feeling pretty proud of myself and thinking, “Come on, people…Really. Agony? Suffering? Are you serious?? It’s just bleach and teeth!” I experienced a few more “zings” that afternoon and thought I was out of the woods.

And then it started. It began as a “zing” in my bottom teeth that relented a little, but just wouldn’t go away. I decided that keeping my mouth closed was the best option. So, I was silent…and hungry…and thirsty. I tried Ibuprofen. I tried Tylenol. I tried pinching my leg and biting the inside of my cheek as to divert my attention from my throbbing, aching mandible. Poor Bill even asked if I was mad at him a couple times. Apparently, I have similar reactions when I’m pissed off and when I’m reaching the brink of insanity due to pain.

Now its 10:00 pm. I’m exhausted, I’m crabby, I’m near tears, and I’m desperate. As I rifled through our “pharmacy” drawer, tossing aside Benadryl, Triaminicin, Vicks rub, Midol, Rolaids, vitamin C and calamine lotion, I finally found the answer to my prayers. There it was…one single white pill…Vicodin. YES! I ignored the expiration date on the prescription bottle that was labeled “October 2001” and took that pill with as little water as possible as to not get my teeth wet (that's really not easy, BTW). Thank God I didn’t throw it away during past cleaning sprees. The universe must have known that single pill was destined for a great cause in the future.

To wrap things up, I soon fell into a drug-induced sleep and was fine by morning. But I do want to apologize to all those people who I referred to as “a bunch of wusses”. I’m sorry! I’ll never be judgmental of your pain tolerance again.