The Legend of Manner's Camp

It all started out of desperation. My kids were about 5 years old and we were on a routine trip to Super Target. I had just bought them unnecessary toys, unnecessary snacks, and was in the midst of breaking up their third fight of the hour. This one was about who spit on whom first. I was irritated by the fact that they both walked away from the nice little bakery lady who had given them free cookies without one single unsolicited word of gratitude in return, when I heard this little whiny voice from the back seat “Mom, I want…” Before I could draw upon the skills learned in parenting classes and formulate a plan, I opened my mouth and screamed: “YOU BETTER SHAPE UP RIGHT NOW OR I'M SENDING YOU BOTH TO MANNER'S CAMP!!!!”

Holy crap.

I knew I had to think of something fast in order to explain this threat. Because you know I don’t believe in idle threats. I may not have a problem with lying to my kids. But idle threats…no way.

So, from the deep, dark recesses of my mind, on the 10 minute ride home, between my fake-crying (due to the fact that I was going to miss them so much when they had to move away to camp), these are the important points of the legend I created that day:

1. It is located in New York City – a very, very, vvvvveeeery, long way from home.
2. The residents of this lock-down compound are the worst-behaved children from all over the country.
3. The kids at camp are divided into age-specific dormitories. And they're crowded. And you have to share bathrooms. And you have to do your own cleaning.
4. The menu consists of vegetables and chicken breasts. Every day, every meal. And dessert? Forget about it.
5. There are mandatory “Manner Classes” offered throughout the day, every day, from early in the morning to late at night. No TV, just classes.
6. Discharge from the camp occurs only when you have attended all the classes and are deemed “polite” by the instructors.
7. Manner Camp is the absolute last resort for parents who have tried everything else to teach their kids manners, and are at the very end of their sanity rope.
8. You can be reported to the Manner’s Camp authorities by other kids’ parents if you don’t use manners with them as well.

I know what you’re thinking. And no, it’s not one of my prouder moments as a mother.

But you know what?

It worked!

It may have taken a few weeks of reminders and some fake phone calls to the admissions office at camp. But it worked.

Today they’re nine and it’s been several years since I told them the truth. We still laugh about it sometimes. And they still have pretty good manners for the most part. In fact, today as they ran out the door after lunch, one of them shouted, “Thanks for the sandwich, mom! It was really good.”

So, then end justifies the means, right?

Now, you’re not going to call Child Protective Services, are you?