Dog Poop in your Eye

The hot topic at our house lately has been “PETS”. For some of you who know me well, this may have just caused you to laugh.

I’ve never been a “pet” person. I’ve never been an “animal of any kind” person. In fact, the thought of having a pet other than our dear, hairless, odorless, low-maintenance, amphibian Sparky, truly makes me want to reach for a couple Benadryl and head for the nearest bathroom and a hot, cleansing shower with lots of soap and a scouring pad.

My kind-hearted Maddie has been on a mission for a “soft pet you can cuddle with” and she’s been talking about getting a Chinchilla for weeks. She researched all she could and finally talked Bill into taking her to the pet store to see a real one, talk to an expert and find out how much it would cost. They came to find out that Chinchillas are not as cuddly as they appear, they require fairly large, multi-level cages, they shed, and they cost quite a bit more than what Maddie has in her piggybank.

The Chinchilla idea was nixed pretty quickly.

And then they all spotted him in a clump of other little bodies.

Actually, they tell me that he picked them out first. Like a sign from heaven. Like an epiphany. Like it was destiny.

They held him. They cuddled him. They played with him. They named him.

Meet Kevin:

And then they all ganged up on me:
Please, mom! He’s so cute.
He’s so calm!
Please!
He’s hypoallergenic…that means you would sneeze when you’re around him!
Please, mom, please!
Isn’t he cute!?!
He’s so soft and he’s got a little beard!
You would love him!
He doesn’t shed at all!
We already named him!
He really likes us!
Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease…

This little tiny part of me just wanted to say “YES! I know he’s cute! Get him! Bring him home to live with us! Yes, yes, yes!”

But the other 99.999999% of me said, “Have you all lost your freakin’ minds??? Who’s going to clean up after him? Who’s going to feed him? Who’s going to let him outside in the middle of winter when the wind chill is 42 below zero? Who is going to pay for his shots and his vet bill? Who’s going to wake up at 3am to let him out? Who is going to check what’s wrong with him when he’s barking? Who’s going to buff out the claw scratch marks on our hardwood floors? Who’s going to wipe up the saliva trail on the walls? Who’s going to bend over with a baggie-covered hand and pick his crap out of the neighbor’s yard?”

And then I stopped to catch my breath before I answered my own question: “NOT ME!”

And then I proceeded to give my 9 yr olds a little lesson in microgermophobia from my own warped and slightly OCD mind– “You know that they poop and then they sit out your carpet and then you come by later and put your hand in the same place they were sitting and then you get a bunch of poop-germs on your hand and then you use that same hand to touch the door or the counter or to rub your own eye. Don't you get it?? That means dog shit eventually ends up covering your entire house…and in your eye!!!” (don’t worry readers, I’m well aware of how crazy this may sound to you…but that’s just how my mind works)

And then I ended with, “And when he pees on my carpet for the first time - I. AM. GOING. TO. FREAK. OUT.”

So, after some more pleading and a few tears, our family had decided to table this discussion. But I think that the only way I could possibly reconsider owning a dog would be following a series of allergy shots and some extensive therapy.

But he is kinda cute…

Here we go again...

Hi again! I'm still here. No, we didn't move away. No, our computer hasn't been broken. And no, we haven't contracted any infectious diseases.

We've just been busy with stuff. You know...kids...work...life. Stuff.

We've all enjoyed our seven week "sabbatical" from organized activities, but in last the couple weeks, we're right back in the thick of it again. I'll give you a few clues from some things lying around our house:

Will is playing baseball again. He's in a different league this year for 9 and 10 yr olds that plays 2 days a week. It's all local - so no traveling (woo hoo!). I think that the kids pitch and they actually keep score. He's liking it OK; I was a little worried since this is the first year he hasn't played for a team with his dad as the coach. They finally got "real" uniforms (no t-shirts) and their first game is next week.

Both kids are swimming again for the Spring/Summer season. They've started a new training program for the club they swim with. This has meant more hours in the pool each week, dryland training, more equipment, and some really sore muscles! We only live about 2-3 blocks from the pool - a fact that I've been extremely thankful for, since they swim in different groups and often have overlapping practices at random times on different days.

The neighbors probably wonder what the heck I'm doing as I come and go 17 times in a 4 hr period always chauffeuring a different grouping of small passengers carrying big bags.

I can't believe how fast the off-season has gone. It's almost as if the wet swimsuits and towels have never left their doors...

4 Things

4 CELEBRITIES THAT I DO NOT FIND ATTRACTIVE (So Stop Trying to Tell Me They Are)
1. Matthew McConaughey
2. Sarah Jessica Parker
3. Tom Cruise
4. Mariah Carey

4 PLACES I WILL NEVER LIVE
1. Yugoslavia
2. Darfur
3. Iraq
4. Iowa

4 THINGS THAT ARE BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL
1. Law & Order: SVU
2. The Office (vs the BBC version)
3. Coke Zero
4. “American Woman” by Lenny Kravitz

4 PEOPLE I WOULD TAKE TO DINNER
1. Brett Favre
2. George Clooney
3. Oprah
4. Steve Carrell

4 TIMES I BOUGHT INTO THE "HYPE"
1. Soprano’s
2. TCBY
3. American Idol
4. Minivans (actually, to be clear – this was NOT me. I will blame it on Bill)

4 TIMES I DID NOT BUY INTO THE "HYPE"
1. Quentin Tarantino
2. The Bachelor – never seen a single one
3. Self-tanning lotions
4. The South Beach Diet

4 SONGS THAT I AM SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT I THOROUGHLY ENJOY
1. Take Me Home, Country Roads – John Denver
2. Have a Drink on Me - ACDC
3. Follow Me – Uncle Kracker
4. Anything by Weird Al Yankovich

4 HAMBURGERS I ADORE
1. McDonalds plain old simple cheese burger…the skinny ones with hardly any meat. Weird, I know.
2. Millside Tavern (local bar – awesome burgers)
3. Red Robin
4. Bill’s Burger (homemade secret concoction by my hubby the grill-master)

I WOULD WALK ACROSS A DANGEROUS INTERSECTION TO SLAP THESE 4 PEOPLE
1. Tom Cruise
2. Howard Stern
3. Rush Limbaugh
4. Ann Coulter (OMG, my blood pressure just shot up while typing that name)

4 IRRATIONAL FEARS THAT OCCASIONALLY AND UNSUSPECTINGLY POP INTO MY MIND
1. Death by shark attack
2. Somebody crouching in the dark behind my car seat and waiting for me to get in
3. Car breaking down along I-94 in downtown Mpls at night when I’m alone and without a cell phone.
4. Under-cooked chicken



...you are all "it".

No, my windows aren't dirty. Those are snowflakes.

...and the madness continues.


Today is April 12.

April 11

Today is April 11.

We are covered in a blanket of snow today, April 11.

Because of the snow, there is no school today, April 11.

When is this freakin' winter going to end?





I just really want to wear my new pair of Havaianas.

Is that too much to ask?

Jedi Battle Tutorial

The following information is presented to teach the novice human some basic Jedi-fighting skills and techniques. Here we will cover the use of the traditional Jedi weaponry, the basic applications of Force-Pull and Force-Push, as well as the telekinetic driving uses of the Force. With this information, you too, will be able to successfully execute your own backyard production of a Jedi battle.

Please note that Jedi and Sith are best observed when they don't know that they are being observed. A long telephoto lens comes in very handy in these situations.

Proceed at your own risk.

And may the Force be with you.



The lightsaber is a distinctive weapon, the very image of which is inextricably bound with the mythos of the Jedi and the Sith. It is designed as much for elegance in combat as for bragging rights in the neighborhood. Along with ownership of a lightsaber comes the inexplicable ability to distinguish yours from the other 27 lying in a pile in the yard at the end of each battle.




Shown here is a Jedi Master engaged in a training session with his Padawan (aka Jedi apprentice). There is extensive ongoing training in the arts of battle and the understanding of the 4 Pillars of Jedi strength: Self Discipline, Knowledge, the Force, and Order of Suburban Neighborhood Governance.

Force Push is the ability to create a telekinetic impulse via the Force, launching a concussive burst of pressurized air. Truly gifted practitioners can generate a concussive blast that radiates from them for dozens of meters in all directions, detonating with the force of a conventional explosive and sending the combatants around him well into the nearby arrangement of Adirondack chairs.

Force Throw is another telekinetic ability of the Force, perhaps related to Force Push (noted above). It causes objects, and even people, to be hurled towards a target at an astounding velocity. A skilled Force user could throw multiple, large objects simultaneously at great speed. The victims of this method are often found lying as if paralyzed in shock for several minutes prior to rising. Then usually, they take a quick lunge at their attacker and quickly run home to tell mom what the attacker (aka sibling) did.

Force Choke causes immobilization and choking. The area affected is typically the target’s neck. The target is not lifted or moved, but simply “frozen.” This technique is used to punish, threaten, or scare the target without wanting to cause death. Following this scene, the young Sith lord shown here uttered in his low, gravely voice, "I find your lack of faith disturbing" in reminiscence of the words of Lord Vader.

Force Grip is a crushing application and an advanced level of Force Choke (noted above). This can be used to levitate, immobilize, and control the intended target’s movement primarily, while causing death secondarily. Following this move in battle, the victim must put him/herself in a “time-out” type action by quickly locating the nearest structure (ie. deck or playset) and stay there until re-spawning is complete and they are allowed back into battle by the other combatants.


Lightsaber handling techniques. The various skills depicted here show the vast array of techniques with which the Jedi and Sith combat. Please note: only those experienced in the ways of the Force should attempt these at home.

As you can see by the faces of these young Jedis and Siths who emanate shear grit, determination and inner strength: this is no place for the weak.

Seriously, it’s not.

You gotta have your game on to fit in here.











Disclaimer: No Jedi, Sith, or child was harmed in the making of this tutorial. All information is nearly accurate for the most part and was researched on Wookeepedia.


Yes, believe it or not. There is really such a site out there.

I now know more about Star Wars, lightsabers, and the Force than any human here on Earth really needs to know.

Bravo! Bravo!

Is anyone else out there totally addicted to the Bravo channel like I am? This the most amazing channel ever. Really. I swear it to you! You know how sometimes you just feel like watching TV but you really don’t know what you feel like watching? And you know how sometimes I feels so great just to lay on the couch and watch something totally mindless? And you know how sometimes you flip through the regular channels like NBC, CBS, FOX, and ABC and the only thing on is Deal or No Deal or one of the Law & Order or CSI reruns... and just one more look at Howie Mandel or Vincent D'Onofrio might push you over the edge?

Well, the solution to these scenarios is Bravo. Any time, any day, any night. Just flip on your TV to this amazing channel and you’ll be hooked.

Really.

Here is a list of my favorite shows present and past:
Project Runway. Lord knows I’m not into high fashion or anything, but this show is so fun. Actually, it’s quite fierce.
Real Housewives of New York City. Are these people for real????
Flippin’ Out . Gotta love a neurotic gay home improvement expert.
Work Out. Gotta love a crazy lesbian personal trainer. Whose body I’m totally jealous of by the way.
Top Chef. Very entertaining…and you might learn a thing or two.
Millionaire Matchmaker. Again, are these people for real?
Welcome to the Parker. Very interesting behind-the-scenes look at the running of a fancy-schmancy spa/resort.
Any show featuring “100 Best…whatever”. In case you don’t already know: I’m absolutely obsessed with lists. Doesn’t matter what kind. I just love ‘em all.

You might say I have a thing for reality TV.

Or you might say, "Wow, sounds interesting. I think I'll check it out, too"

Or you might say, “For God’s sake...get a life!”

Post-Winter Garage

What a beautiful day here in Minnesota! I opened up all the windows in the house today to try to let out that yucky winter stench that's been accumulating for the past 5 months. I'd almost forgotten how great all the fresh air smells as it's blowing around the house.

On my way to the bank this afternoon, I paused before getting into the car and took a long, hard look at the area of clutter and chaos that we refer to as a garage. I'd also almost forgotten what a huge job it is to try to reach some semblance of order in a garage after a long, hard winter.

For the past several months we've all been ignoring it. Sure, it has served us quietly and discreetly during the long winter months. It has provided shelter for our cars and relieved us of early-morning, finger-numbing window-scraping. It has housed our multiple recycling containers, mindful of our continuing attempts at "saving the planet." It has been a temporary home to my in-laws fishing boat. It has become a dumping ground for large boxes, odds and ends, and any type of items that are too large or dirty to be deposited in our indoor storage facility, otherwise know as the dining room.

And all the stuff in there has been shoved just far enough to the wall and just high enough as not to compromise the safety of the poor innocent schmuck trying to squeeze out Bill's passenger side car door and run into the warm house. In a way it reminds me of Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat. You know... "Look at me. Look at me. Look at me now. I can hold up the box and the chair and the kite. I can hold up a rake and a table ...isn't it a sight?"

But we really haven't paid attention to it since last October. We all just open the door long enough to toss out an old soup can, throw away an unwanted box, or reach for a roll of duct tape, before quickly slamming it shut to keep out the frigid air. We run through it to get to our cars without a second glance.

We've totally ignored it for months.

Now...it's time for payback.

Now...it's time for spring garage cleaning.

I'm pretty sure everyone elses garage looks pretty similar to this right now. So today, I've come up with a list of things that I need to do:

1. Return neighbors power tools. Geez...don't we have enough of our own!
2. Locate all kitchen utensils, cups and water bottles. It's the kids...alright?
3. Distribute all lawn and deck furniture to where it belongs. Who cares if it snows one more time. I gotta get them out of there!
4. Figure out what to do with kites. Where the heck do you guys store yours? Someone needs to invite a kite storage system...
5. Get bikes down from the rafters in the ceiling before the kids ask me one more time. It might just put me over the edge.
6. Decide if I should throw away or pack away all left over outdoor Christmas decorations. Throwing them would be easier, wouldn't it?
7. Store sleds and snowboards until next winter. OMG - that thought almost makes me cry.


So wish me luck...here I go...

Honk! Honk!

The kids and I traveled to South Dakota last week. We just happened to be there during the return migration trip of huge numbers of Canadian Geese. I think that some of these geese may stay in Lake Eureka for awhile, as others will just stop for rest and food on their way north. It was amazing to see literally thousands of them along the half-frozen lake and flying overhead.

Here are a few goose facts for you in case you were wondering.

And I’m sure you were.

- The Giant Canada Goose is the most commonly known Canadian Goose and is the only one that nests in South Dakota
- Weight ranges from 4 lbs up to 18 lbs
- They have a 30 year life span
- These geese form pair bonds at about 2 years of age and they mate for life
- This species was nearly extinct early in this century prior to extensive restoration efforts which began in the 1960’s. Now many groups have become non-migratory and are sometimes regarded as pests.
- They fly in a “V” formation at approximately 40 mph and can migrate up to several hundred miles daily.

- They are very territorial and have been known to attack and injure people.
- Each Canadian Goose defecates 28 times a day. Wow.

Now, don’t you all feel a little smarter?